Tuesday, January 26, 2010

#7: Wrap It Up

Last week my wife turned 39. Tell anyone that you are thirty-nine and their first thought is “Right…looks like we’ve got us a liar.” Same thing goes for 29. A person can claim 28, 33, or 37 all day long and no one will question it. But if you toss out that you’re 39 everyone instantly assumes that you are no less than 43.

I guess there is some validity to the disbelief. Women especially have problems with letting their age be known. Just last year my grandmother informed me that she was no longer celebrating her 29th birthday…she was born in 1922. My wife’s granny went so far as to have a different birth date put on her driver’s license. You could get away with that in the 1930’s. You could also get away with driving yourself to the DMV to take the driving test.

The coining of the term “cougar” has helped this touchy social issue simply because it is now awesome to be a woman in her 40’s; and by proxy, being a man at that age is cool too. Unless you still live with your mom, drive the same car you did in high school, and think macaroni and ketchup is fine dining.

I have always welcomed turning another year older. If nothing else it means one thing…I am not dead. I see that as a mostly positive thing.

A major part of celebrating birthdays is receiving gifts. This year I gave my wife the classic “gift promise”. This is a strategy I employ when I cannot come up with a good idea before it’s too late. Now, I know what you are thinking, but it’s not like that. I am taking her to a show and the tickets just weren’t on sale yet. Nonetheless, it is a brilliant strategy.

Along with birthday gifts comes wrapping paper. Long before I was domesticated I thought the store bag was sufficient for gift concealment. Now I have learned that proper packaging may be the most important part of any gift. It is a scientific fact that “pretty” packages up the value of a mediocre gift by a factor of eight.

I think back to birthday parties when I was a kid. I would guess that at a standard 9 year-olds birthday party 53% of the gifts were wrapped in the previous Sunday’s funny papers. That got me thinking: Why don’t I start using the Wall Street Journal to wrap presents?

Think of the message sent by a package wrapped in the nation’s premier newspaper! It screams that the giver is a person of the world, well read and well informed. And obviously an educated man such as a Wall Street Journal reader would give nothing but the finest. With that kind of up front presentation I could give a box of rocks and the recipient would be flabbergasted at the majesty of the gift.

With a daily supply of wrapping paper being tossed into my front lawn, I need only to have a dump truck load of gravel delivered and I will have my shopping done for the year!

Use #7: Wrapping Paper

John Hansen accepts all forms of gifts, including cash and precious metals, and is willing to act humbled by the generous acts of kindness. He is the co-author of the Power of Zahn, an unopened gift to the literary world.

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