#6: Electrified Glory

Today I finally got around to taking down the outdoor Christmas decorations. That’s right; we’ve been one of “those” families this year. Our plastic Santa and Rudolph (from the 1950’s) waved to passersby until January 17th! In my defense it has been unbelievably cold the last few weeks. Granted, I’ll change my oil when it’s 17 degrees and the ground is covered in snow, but there is now way I’m going to take down lights until it’s sunny and warm. My motto is simply, “Let it ride…let it ride.”

What is it about taking down Christmas decorations? Dragging all the stuff out and turning the house into a gaudy display of holiday cheer is a blast. But taking the crap down and hauling it back into the attic is like signing up for a root canal. This year was made worse because I also had not cleaned up the celebration fodder littering the yard since New Year’s Eve.

As one would expect, our New Year’s Eve was a rockin’ good time. We overate and played the Wii until 10:15 when my wife and I notified the kids to wake us up at 11:40. What went on during that hour and a half remains a mystery, known only to the kids.

Like a cheap alarm clock, the girls woke us 5 minutes late. We gathered our senses (kind of) and at the stroke of midnight bolted into the arctic tundra, formerly known as Oklahoma, wearing nothing but pajamas. We quickly fired off several confetti poppers and hosed each other down with silly string before darting back inside for the usual round of toasts and late night phone calls.

I have a few words about these articles of celebration. First, who in their right mind designed silly string to be non-biodegradable? That garbage has lay on the sidewalk for two weeks without even moving. It’s so unnatural that the wind doesn’t even affect it.  The foil confetti isn’t any better and definitely is on Earth for the long haul. My front yard looked as if we had dumped chaff out the windows to ward off some heat seeking missiles. How can 8 confetti poppers have so much stuff shoved into them? What it boils down to is that 3 minutes of celebration resulted in two hours of cleanup. Man, I love celebrating New Year’s.

Back to the matter at hand…The worst thing about taking down strings of lights is storing them. Regardless of how you put them in a box, they will come out as one giant wad of green wire and broken glass. But this year was going to be different for one simple reason; the Wall Street Journal.

I took several old editions and, using a little duct tape, made a pile of paper tubes which I then wrapped the strands of lights around. Now I look forward, with great anticipation, to unwinding the lights next November and hanging them for another month of electrified holiness in my front yard.

Use #6: Storing Christmas Lights

John Hansen is a full grown man with a man sized appetite. He always cleans his plate and usually eats much more than he should. He is the co-author of the Power of Zahn, which is sure to cause reading gluttony to all those who purchase the someday professionally printed novel.