Sunday, January 3, 2010

#2: Guinea Pig Cages

Last summer my kids managed to Shanghai their way into getting a Guinea Pig. I am not going to go into the particular details of the process, but it involved pig-sitting for a week, a guilt-ridden neighbor boy, and lots of tears and pleading. I reluctantly agreed to the transfer of custody on two conditions; I will never touch the animal and I will not take care of him.

Now a Guinea Pig named Pete and I live two distinct existences separated only by a bedroom door and a wire cage. For those of you who have never cohabitated with a Guinea Pig, there are a few unknowns. The first is that they are incredibly noisy, especially at night. Pete loves to drink from his water bottle between the hours of 1:00 and 4:00 a.m. One would think that drinking from a bottle is silent. Wrong. The first week he was in the house I woke every night thinking that the air-conditioning unit was about to explode.

Guinea Pigs are also very needy. Pete is incredibly spoiled and expects to be carried around and loved on constantly. If he catches a glimpse of a human he begins grunting, squeaking, and pawing his cage, all of which are intended to draw attention to his isolation and free him from the confines of his cell. I will admit that the little guy is pretty smart. Not only has he figured out what works for his personal gain, he also knows that attention does not come from Dad. Apparently he also understands the terms of the “agreement”.

Finally, Guinea Pigs crap…a lot. The only animal I have seen crap more is a cow, and that is only in quantity not frequency. Needless to say, Pete’s cage has to be cleaned often. Efficiency is the number one priority for my wife and kids when cleaning up after their buck-toothed companion. The most important component for facilitating a quick cleanup is a good base layer of absorbent material. What better material than old newspapers? So, while I may not take the time to enjoy my $130 yearly subscription, I can rest assured that I have a well informed Guinea Pig.

Use #2: Lining Guinea Pig cages

John Hansen is six feet tall and wears glasses. He owns a lawnmower which he is fully capable of operating on his own. John and his brother-in-law have co-authored the mega-hero novel The Power of Zahn. This literary masterpiece is to date unpublished and sits on the vine like a perfect apple waiting to be picked by a discerning pie chef.

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