Recently I’ve done a fair bit of travelling, most of which involves flying. When preparing for a flight I keep a mental checklist of items I need to bring: Government ID, tickets, toothbrush, underwear, et cetera, et cetera. While these items, listed in order of importance, are critical, none of them could be considered the number one essential item. In my book, it is most crucial to bring along something that lets everyone else know that you are an asshole.
Long ago there was a time without cell phones. I know, many of you just blasted cheerios and root beer all over your monitor, but I tell you it is true. During this time, people were forced into unconformable situations such as having face-to-face conversations with strangers. Can you imagine having to interact with people?
Luckily someone invented the cellular phone and the misery of such interactions went away. In the beginning the cell phone was great for people who wanted to show the world how important they were. A guy could stroll through an airport aimlessly shouting “SELL! SELL!” into the business end of an electronic brick and everyone would ohh and ahh over his importance.
But soon, lots of people had cell phones and the image began to dwindle. The decline culminated with the advent of the Bluetooth device, which I blame for killing the importance factor of the cell phone.
For a while I could not turn around without running into a Bluetooth-sporting cell phone user. I thought to myself, “How lazy has the world become that a person cannot take an extra second to pull that gadget from their hip pocket and pop it in their ear?” I then realized that these people were simply striving to convey their significance in the order of world affairs. Unfortunately for them, the image was greatly diminished when truck stops started selling fake Bluetooth devices.
Like the Bluetooth, the image factor of the cell phone has diminished over time. Now nearly every 8 year old on the planet either has a cell phone or programs one for their parents. Such technology saturation has created quite a quandary for the man who still desires to look like a jackass at the airport.
Ironically, cell phone technology has actually provided a solution to this difficult problem. With the advent of the smart phone, actual printed newspapers are a few and far between. People are inundated with constant e-mails, texts, and tweets about what is happening in the world. While the influence of printed news has been reduced, the novelty of newspaper reading has increased.
Nothing conveys arrogance and self-importance like someone parked at an airport gate furiously flipping through the pages of a newspaper. And that is why I rely on my trusty Wall Street Journal to create the ambiance of arrogance that I have grown accustomed to projecting.
My preferred method is to read for a bit, flip a few pages, sigh loudly, and turn to the teenager next to me and say, “Have you seen this?” To which he responds by glancing up from his texting frenzy and muttering something about old men and assholes.
As a smile grows across my face, I sit back and think, “Mission accomplished!”
Use #12 – Creating an ambiance of arrogance
John Hansen has employed his arrogant attitude and high level of self-importance to co-create the megahero novel The Power of Zahn. The story, chocked full of tasty characters, is guaranteed to delight and, when printed, will quickly replace newspapers as the median of choice for image enhancement.
Showing posts with label Power of Zahn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Power of Zahn. Show all posts
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
#11: Cool Down
Today I decided that the coils on my refrigerator needed to be cleaned. Don’t think I’m entirely crazy; after all it is advisable to occasionally clean your refrigerator coils. Doing so makes the unit run more efficiently and last longer. A prime example of this fact is my parent’s avocado green Kenmore refrigerator. From the time I was born until well after I had kids of my own the green beauty was the only coolerator to be found in Mom and Dad’s kitchen. By the time it had made its run it was well over 30 years old, which is one helluva a return on a depreciating asset.
I’m sure the main reason it graced the kitchen décor so long was my dad’s routine cleaning of the coils. Every year he pulled the box in front of the garage door and went after it with the air compressor. When he finished, the coils were like new and the garage looked like a sand storm had just rolled through.
My father is fanatical about routine maintenance; me not so much. I am obsessive about changing the oil in my cars on time (see Use #1) but go too far beyond that and the curve drops sharply. I tend to lean more towards panicked obsession when doing routine upkeep. Case in point, cleaning the refrigerator.
This morning I noticed that the food didn’t seem “as cold” as usual. I quickly decided that it most certainly was the coils that I hadn’t cleaned in at least three years. Immediately following that decision I went into a panic routine. I knew instantly that I had waited too long to clean the coils and that the refrigerator would have to be replaced at a cost of no less than $15,000. I also realized that not only the food in the refrigerator would spoil, but all food in the house would have to be tossed. And finally, I recognized that because the jelly jar felt slightly less cold two of my kids would not be able to get a college education. Not once did I consider the fact that the refrigerator was packed full like a debutante’s suitcase.
So this evening I broke out the Kirby and went to work vacuuming the refrigerator coils. One thing I have noticed about vacuum cleaner attachments, specifically the long narrow one, is that they are long enough to do everything but what you want them to do. It seems every time I use that extension I can reach about half of what I want vacuum. Fortunately, I entered this fight with a plan! With the help of the Wall Street Journal and some duct tape I made a clever extension and went to work. Using the attachment and a masterfully formed Marketplace section, I was able to thoroughly clean the coils and do a job that would make the old man smile.
Now I have a clean refrigerator, a calm mind, and food that is the same temperature as before.
Use #11 – Vacuum Sweeper Attachment
John Hansen enjoys ice cold beer from his garage refrigerator, which has never had the coils cleaned. He is the co-author of the Power of Zahn, a cool megahero novel that expounds the virtues of an ice cold six pack and a hot shower.
I’m sure the main reason it graced the kitchen décor so long was my dad’s routine cleaning of the coils. Every year he pulled the box in front of the garage door and went after it with the air compressor. When he finished, the coils were like new and the garage looked like a sand storm had just rolled through.
My father is fanatical about routine maintenance; me not so much. I am obsessive about changing the oil in my cars on time (see Use #1) but go too far beyond that and the curve drops sharply. I tend to lean more towards panicked obsession when doing routine upkeep. Case in point, cleaning the refrigerator.
This morning I noticed that the food didn’t seem “as cold” as usual. I quickly decided that it most certainly was the coils that I hadn’t cleaned in at least three years. Immediately following that decision I went into a panic routine. I knew instantly that I had waited too long to clean the coils and that the refrigerator would have to be replaced at a cost of no less than $15,000. I also realized that not only the food in the refrigerator would spoil, but all food in the house would have to be tossed. And finally, I recognized that because the jelly jar felt slightly less cold two of my kids would not be able to get a college education. Not once did I consider the fact that the refrigerator was packed full like a debutante’s suitcase.
So this evening I broke out the Kirby and went to work vacuuming the refrigerator coils. One thing I have noticed about vacuum cleaner attachments, specifically the long narrow one, is that they are long enough to do everything but what you want them to do. It seems every time I use that extension I can reach about half of what I want vacuum. Fortunately, I entered this fight with a plan! With the help of the Wall Street Journal and some duct tape I made a clever extension and went to work. Using the attachment and a masterfully formed Marketplace section, I was able to thoroughly clean the coils and do a job that would make the old man smile.
Now I have a clean refrigerator, a calm mind, and food that is the same temperature as before.
Use #11 – Vacuum Sweeper Attachment
John Hansen enjoys ice cold beer from his garage refrigerator, which has never had the coils cleaned. He is the co-author of the Power of Zahn, a cool megahero novel that expounds the virtues of an ice cold six pack and a hot shower.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
#9: You Say Ax, I Say Axe
Few tools wield the mystical power of an axe. Grasp a screwdriver or a pair of pliers and you are simply holding a tool, but hold an axe and you’ve got something special. It’s a feeling that cannot be explained; only experienced. So if you’ve never felt the majesty of the axe, stop reading this now and go to your local hardware store (or axe store if you are Canadian) and take one for a spin. Then you’ll know.
For hundreds of years the axe has been a symbol of power. In Medieval times axes not only served to cut wood but they were also used to bust open heads, making the axe perhaps the first true multi-tool! Nowadays axes are used to save lives rather than take them. In addition, the axe is still used to cut wood and…well that’s about it. Nonetheless axes mean power.
Look at any group of guys and the man with the axe is generally in charge. Unfortunately, society tends to frown on carrying an axe any place but into the woods, so this is only a scene from the history books. I think the negative stigma associated with axe brandishing is a major reason for the breakdown of society, but that’s a topic for another day.
I somehow managed to live 36 years before purchasing my own axe. I was amazed to see how modern axes differ from those of my youth. There are some things I thought just could not be improved, namely the hammer and the axe. Well, when it comes to the axe I was wrong.
Modern day axes are equipped with a built in wedge to facilitate wood splitting. Such technology is only rivaled by the artificial heart and microwave popcorn. In addition, the hickory handle from days of yore has been replaced with fiberglass, which is not just unbreakable but “indestructible”. Seeing such a claim stamped on the side of the handle implies that there is someone out there who can actually destroy an axe handle. All I can say is that I want to be on that dude’s good side.
My “premium log splitter” has one final improvement, a blade cover. I was formerly ignorant to the modern marvels of axe advancement and thought that blade covers were made strictly from old newspaper and duct tape. Every axe my dad owns has exactly that covering the blade. Apparently there is new technology that gives axe makers the ability to mold a piece of plastic to fit over the blade. There are some sharp people out there! Of course, I have already lost the cover so I’m back to folding up an old copy of the Wall Street Journal and wrapping it with tape. So much for technology.
Use #9: Axe Blade Cover
John Hansen has cut and stacked many cords of wood. He has also enjoyed central heating and thinks turning up the thermostat is much easier than splitting wood. He is the co-author of the Power of Zahn, a mega-hero novel waiting to split the literary world with an axe.
For hundreds of years the axe has been a symbol of power. In Medieval times axes not only served to cut wood but they were also used to bust open heads, making the axe perhaps the first true multi-tool! Nowadays axes are used to save lives rather than take them. In addition, the axe is still used to cut wood and…well that’s about it. Nonetheless axes mean power.
Look at any group of guys and the man with the axe is generally in charge. Unfortunately, society tends to frown on carrying an axe any place but into the woods, so this is only a scene from the history books. I think the negative stigma associated with axe brandishing is a major reason for the breakdown of society, but that’s a topic for another day.
I somehow managed to live 36 years before purchasing my own axe. I was amazed to see how modern axes differ from those of my youth. There are some things I thought just could not be improved, namely the hammer and the axe. Well, when it comes to the axe I was wrong.
Modern day axes are equipped with a built in wedge to facilitate wood splitting. Such technology is only rivaled by the artificial heart and microwave popcorn. In addition, the hickory handle from days of yore has been replaced with fiberglass, which is not just unbreakable but “indestructible”. Seeing such a claim stamped on the side of the handle implies that there is someone out there who can actually destroy an axe handle. All I can say is that I want to be on that dude’s good side.
My “premium log splitter” has one final improvement, a blade cover. I was formerly ignorant to the modern marvels of axe advancement and thought that blade covers were made strictly from old newspaper and duct tape. Every axe my dad owns has exactly that covering the blade. Apparently there is new technology that gives axe makers the ability to mold a piece of plastic to fit over the blade. There are some sharp people out there! Of course, I have already lost the cover so I’m back to folding up an old copy of the Wall Street Journal and wrapping it with tape. So much for technology.
Use #9: Axe Blade Cover
John Hansen has cut and stacked many cords of wood. He has also enjoyed central heating and thinks turning up the thermostat is much easier than splitting wood. He is the co-author of the Power of Zahn, a mega-hero novel waiting to split the literary world with an axe.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
#8: Creating Future Scrabble Champions
Christmas break is a month past, and except for a few snow days, school is back in full swing. As far as I can tell the girls are learning the required subjects like math, science, reading, and social studies. I hear occasional fussing about homework and see piles of graded papers and tests which indicate that there is indeed something happening at the school house. I assume they are doing this work, or at the very least have hired someone to write a bunch of random stuff in cursive and complete multiplication tables. One subject I have no doubt they are learning is spelling.
I vaguely remember taking spelling tests in grade school, but that is about the extent of it. I also recall my spelling score on the 11th grade achievement test being “Below 8th Grade Level”…but we won’t let the kids know that little secret.
I am amazed how much the teachers push spelling these days. In fact, I am convinced that there is an underground movement to put the spell check guys at Microsoft out of business. Teachers have dreamt up dozens of methods for learning 10-15 words a week. Activities such as writing each word five times, alphabetizing the words, and using them in a sentence are all logical spelling activities. These methods foster basic memorization, or as we old-timers like to say, old-fashioned learning.
I guess I am behind the times, because there are apparently new learning techniques. Some classics include hiding the words in a picture, painting the words, and rainbow writing (don’t even ask). I am told that these are a “hands on” way of learning. The last time I checked, spelling wasn’t like plumbing. I cannot wrap my head around the “hands on” aspect of spelling like I can with the concept of making a toilet flush.
The absolute worst of these projects is what I like to call the ransom letter method. The kids have to cut letters out of old magazines and newspapers (enter the Wall Street Journal) and then use the letters to create their spelling words. The newly created words are then pasted onto a sheet of paper. Who in the hell thought this was a good idea?
Basically what I end up with is scraps of paper strewn throughout the house and random crap glued to my kitchen table. When the two hour spelling debacle is over, the girls have fifteen haphazardly glued words forming a ransom note written in monkey-speak.
gentle people injured unless poodle arrives underneath bleachers.
leave million outside window before tuesday arrives.
What exactly are they learning from this? I guess if any kid has aspirations of becoming a kidnapper he will look back fondly on grade school and remember the “hands on” experience he gained in his spelling lessons.
Use #8: Spelling Homework
John Hansen owns multiple dictionaries as well as a thesaurus. He is capable of looking up words in these books on his own and has been known to expand his knowledge by doing so. Along with Zak Hathaway, John has co-authored the Power of Zahn, a mega-hero novel featuring over 90,000 properly spelled words.
I vaguely remember taking spelling tests in grade school, but that is about the extent of it. I also recall my spelling score on the 11th grade achievement test being “Below 8th Grade Level”…but we won’t let the kids know that little secret.
I am amazed how much the teachers push spelling these days. In fact, I am convinced that there is an underground movement to put the spell check guys at Microsoft out of business. Teachers have dreamt up dozens of methods for learning 10-15 words a week. Activities such as writing each word five times, alphabetizing the words, and using them in a sentence are all logical spelling activities. These methods foster basic memorization, or as we old-timers like to say, old-fashioned learning.
I guess I am behind the times, because there are apparently new learning techniques. Some classics include hiding the words in a picture, painting the words, and rainbow writing (don’t even ask). I am told that these are a “hands on” way of learning. The last time I checked, spelling wasn’t like plumbing. I cannot wrap my head around the “hands on” aspect of spelling like I can with the concept of making a toilet flush.
The absolute worst of these projects is what I like to call the ransom letter method. The kids have to cut letters out of old magazines and newspapers (enter the Wall Street Journal) and then use the letters to create their spelling words. The newly created words are then pasted onto a sheet of paper. Who in the hell thought this was a good idea?
Basically what I end up with is scraps of paper strewn throughout the house and random crap glued to my kitchen table. When the two hour spelling debacle is over, the girls have fifteen haphazardly glued words forming a ransom note written in monkey-speak.
gentle people injured unless poodle arrives underneath bleachers.
leave million outside window before tuesday arrives.
What exactly are they learning from this? I guess if any kid has aspirations of becoming a kidnapper he will look back fondly on grade school and remember the “hands on” experience he gained in his spelling lessons.
Use #8: Spelling Homework
John Hansen owns multiple dictionaries as well as a thesaurus. He is capable of looking up words in these books on his own and has been known to expand his knowledge by doing so. Along with Zak Hathaway, John has co-authored the Power of Zahn, a mega-hero novel featuring over 90,000 properly spelled words.
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